I am a snow leopard fighting my way through the snowstorm. Rawr!
Thanks for the advice Rick Ross! This friend shared his freestyle meditation: Pick one animal you like and imagine yourself taking on certain characteristics of that animal. For example, he is a bear. He is calm but if you mess with him, he will hurt you. This dude is always calm. except when he laughs hysterically. Its pretty funny. Being a bear is very apropos for him.
Anywho, I like this concept and have used it when I've had to work get work done late night. Plus, it waaaaay better than being a puma. Thats played out. Just like cougars are. Ha. I shouldn't joke, I might end up being one.
KS
Monday, May 3, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
SPRING IS HERE!!!!
Yesssss! I love this time of year. No more winter blues! I had a bad case of winter blues this time around, and besides other things, I really do think it has to do with cloudy skies and rain... a typical NorCal winter? Not used to it. I hope spring time in NorCal means sunny days.
Where I come from, San Diego and Santa Barbara, aka the "promise lands" (ha), its warm and sunny everyday...literally. Winter means... nothing. Its nice to experience seasons, but I am fine visiting those places, not having permanent residency there. I like having my golden brown tan all year long (it kinda helps to be Filipino). I don't want to have to carry a jacket around everyday "just in case." I love to see the shine shining and feel warm. People are happier when the sun shines, including me.
Spring also means new beginnings. Although January 1st is a day when people vow to better their lives, its all talk about what they want to do. Now that the sun is out and its Spring, people are motivated to go out and do something about realizing their goals. Work and school goals, love goals, weight goals, any goals are actually being put into action. Now, more people I know have been landing new jobs. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people talking about the new diet she is actually on or new exercise plan she is actually doing. Sun comes out = people make better effort to live healthy = people wear less clothes = everyone looks good = I'm gonna get me some. Yeah!
K
Where I come from, San Diego and Santa Barbara, aka the "promise lands" (ha), its warm and sunny everyday...literally. Winter means... nothing. Its nice to experience seasons, but I am fine visiting those places, not having permanent residency there. I like having my golden brown tan all year long (it kinda helps to be Filipino). I don't want to have to carry a jacket around everyday "just in case." I love to see the shine shining and feel warm. People are happier when the sun shines, including me.
Spring also means new beginnings. Although January 1st is a day when people vow to better their lives, its all talk about what they want to do. Now that the sun is out and its Spring, people are motivated to go out and do something about realizing their goals. Work and school goals, love goals, weight goals, any goals are actually being put into action. Now, more people I know have been landing new jobs. I can't tell you how many times I have heard people talking about the new diet she is actually on or new exercise plan she is actually doing. Sun comes out = people make better effort to live healthy = people wear less clothes = everyone looks good = I'm gonna get me some. Yeah!
K
Monday, February 1, 2010
So long January!
I’ve got whiplash! Twenty-ten just started - didn’t it?
The cool thing about having a birthday on January 2nd is that I get to experience practically the whole year the same age...because there isn’t a whole lot else to celebrate when your birthday follows one of the biggest hang over days of the year.
What I find cool is, I essentially get to wrap my "Fresh Year Approach" with my new age, so I am theoretically, living my new age, 32, somehow more improved over the previous year's model.
This is what is going to make 2010 (say it with me, "twenty-ten, not "two-thousand and ten") better than 2009. I AM GOING TO LET GO.
Isn’t that what our grandmothers told us to do? Why don't we listen to old people?
I seriously have to learn to let go. What the heck am I holding onto bad feelings for? What purpose does the past serve me if the past made me: depressed, angry, anxious, regretful? There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to go back and change things.
I am not saying, I want to ignore everything I've learned up until now, I am saying I want to let the bad sh*t go.
How can I let go of what that "asshole/bitch/whore" has done to me? I have so many more ways to insult them. I have so many acts of revenge to entertain. But why? These people (or perhaps just their actions) who have "wronged" me are draining precious time and mental resources that they don't deserve.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last couple of months (thanks therapist!) is forgiveness, forgiveness of others and most importantly forgiveness of myself. Yikes, that one is hard. I literally cringe thinking of the sh*t I have pulled. Seriously, as I am typing this, I feel embarassed. Its like you can see my embarassments as I am thinking them. And for some of you reading this, you probably have!
I have made some seriously stupid decisions in the last couple of years and at times I have wanted to divorce myself. My decisions have lead to a complete change of who I am, and I am not saying its for the better or worse. But I have changed.
Now what do I do with these changes? Do I desperately pretend like the last few years haven’t happened because I vow to now do better? Because I can’t and that’s okay. What is done is done, what was said was said, my feelings were what they were. I am now learning to accept it all.
What I will do now is accept my feelings and most importantly myself. With all my flaws and all those scary things about myself I would like to pretend don’t exist. They are there, like my brown eyes. They are me. The good, the bad and the ugly.
I apply this to others as well. I recognize that while I struggle, those around me do too. I have found new empathy for others. I am less quick to judge and more willing to listen. I am changed. I am older. I am a work in progress. I am 32.
J
The cool thing about having a birthday on January 2nd is that I get to experience practically the whole year the same age...because there isn’t a whole lot else to celebrate when your birthday follows one of the biggest hang over days of the year.
What I find cool is, I essentially get to wrap my "Fresh Year Approach" with my new age, so I am theoretically, living my new age, 32, somehow more improved over the previous year's model.
This is what is going to make 2010 (say it with me, "twenty-ten, not "two-thousand and ten") better than 2009. I AM GOING TO LET GO.
Isn’t that what our grandmothers told us to do? Why don't we listen to old people?
I seriously have to learn to let go. What the heck am I holding onto bad feelings for? What purpose does the past serve me if the past made me: depressed, angry, anxious, regretful? There is absolutely NOTHING I can do to go back and change things.
I am not saying, I want to ignore everything I've learned up until now, I am saying I want to let the bad sh*t go.
How can I let go of what that "asshole/bitch/whore" has done to me? I have so many more ways to insult them. I have so many acts of revenge to entertain. But why? These people (or perhaps just their actions) who have "wronged" me are draining precious time and mental resources that they don't deserve.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned in the last couple of months (thanks therapist!) is forgiveness, forgiveness of others and most importantly forgiveness of myself. Yikes, that one is hard. I literally cringe thinking of the sh*t I have pulled. Seriously, as I am typing this, I feel embarassed. Its like you can see my embarassments as I am thinking them. And for some of you reading this, you probably have!
I have made some seriously stupid decisions in the last couple of years and at times I have wanted to divorce myself. My decisions have lead to a complete change of who I am, and I am not saying its for the better or worse. But I have changed.
Now what do I do with these changes? Do I desperately pretend like the last few years haven’t happened because I vow to now do better? Because I can’t and that’s okay. What is done is done, what was said was said, my feelings were what they were. I am now learning to accept it all.
What I will do now is accept my feelings and most importantly myself. With all my flaws and all those scary things about myself I would like to pretend don’t exist. They are there, like my brown eyes. They are me. The good, the bad and the ugly.
I apply this to others as well. I recognize that while I struggle, those around me do too. I have found new empathy for others. I am less quick to judge and more willing to listen. I am changed. I am older. I am a work in progress. I am 32.
J
Friday, January 8, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Happy 2010!
Men! This is the topic I’ve been dreading to bring up, but I know the stories of dating, hooking up, and relationships are what intrigue people. So, here I go…
Yeah right! Like I’m going to discuss the juicy details of my private life There are some things I keep private. I’ll say this: I’m trying to get over an incident that happened with this guy a few months ago. Maybe against my better judgment, after a month of no contact, I have allowed him back into my life. Honestly, the positives outweigh the negatives. He is fun, affectionate; he is a good conversationalist; he is intelligent, and the chemistry esta muy caliente! Despite these positive attributes, I am grounded in reality and well aware what to expect from this man.
Because of my choice, it has been difficult to trust him. I began asking him dumb questions. I felt like I was becoming that type of weak girl I can’t stand or respect…. an insecure one. Sure, I have really weak moments, but in general, I am a confident person. He knows this. To mitigate the damage, he says and does things to make me “feel better,” which surprises me. He is actually doing good work. However, this is only half the battle. I have to work on myself as well. I am learning to not sweat the small stuff.
I know what I have to do: continue living my life; leave the past in the past; not worry about what may happen; not question him all the time. I can only control myself and my actions. Although I know all of this, I don’t know how exactly the steps, or the process, to achieve this mindset and keep true to it…all the time. So, I called up my good friend, Jenny. I recited all of the above to her and asked, “How do I do it?” She said, “Fuck it.” Simple and to the point.
She is so right. All I can do to get over the past is to acknowledge the incident and keep my ass moving forward. I am happy and at peace and will not continuously worry, with or without him. So fuck it. I’m choosing to put my energy into the positives so I remain happy and know that really...he is not going to be around forever.
K
Yeah right! Like I’m going to discuss the juicy details of my private life There are some things I keep private. I’ll say this: I’m trying to get over an incident that happened with this guy a few months ago. Maybe against my better judgment, after a month of no contact, I have allowed him back into my life. Honestly, the positives outweigh the negatives. He is fun, affectionate; he is a good conversationalist; he is intelligent, and the chemistry esta muy caliente! Despite these positive attributes, I am grounded in reality and well aware what to expect from this man.
Because of my choice, it has been difficult to trust him. I began asking him dumb questions. I felt like I was becoming that type of weak girl I can’t stand or respect…. an insecure one. Sure, I have really weak moments, but in general, I am a confident person. He knows this. To mitigate the damage, he says and does things to make me “feel better,” which surprises me. He is actually doing good work. However, this is only half the battle. I have to work on myself as well. I am learning to not sweat the small stuff.
I know what I have to do: continue living my life; leave the past in the past; not worry about what may happen; not question him all the time. I can only control myself and my actions. Although I know all of this, I don’t know how exactly the steps, or the process, to achieve this mindset and keep true to it…all the time. So, I called up my good friend, Jenny. I recited all of the above to her and asked, “How do I do it?” She said, “Fuck it.” Simple and to the point.
She is so right. All I can do to get over the past is to acknowledge the incident and keep my ass moving forward. I am happy and at peace and will not continuously worry, with or without him. So fuck it. I’m choosing to put my energy into the positives so I remain happy and know that really...he is not going to be around forever.
K
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Fa la la la laaaaa
Christmas is on what day again?
Is it me or has the "spirit" of Christmas vaporized? Maybe I am too old for Christmas.
Maybe I am Scrooging early in life because I don't ever honestly remember believing in Santa Claus, so I am like the equivalent of a 80 year old bachelor.
Here is my disclaimer. Neither, myself or husband have kids, together or otherwise, so I can imagine that those with children probably have a whole different take on the season, at least it appears that way on Facebook. Now don't get me wrong, I think if I had a kid, I would not be writing this blog entry as you are about to read it. It would probably read something like, "Oh Santa! I believe! something, something, something, Christmas Rocks!"
I think Christmas started becoming a chore once my Christmas shopping list started onto a second column and my paycheck just laughed. Never mind the financial dent Christmas makes but then there is the time spent trying to find the perfect gift. Then, after all of the stress of finding a suitable gift, it sometimes ends in the awkward moment when you realized you didn't quite find it.
I love to give, I really do but its not like the people on my list were people who were in need or would be getting just my gift for Christmas. I was just one of many people who would be contributing to their Christmas loot. The big gift exchange also started becoming less interesting and more like:
Q: "What do you want?
A: "Oh nothing...or a new skillet, and here is the store and product number."
To which I replied, "Cool." Because this made my life easier.
Why was I even wrapping it? What fun is that?
Tony and I don't exchange gifts, and haven't for the last eight Christmas' we've shared. I found my Christmas soul mate when I suggested for the first time that we give ourselves a Christmas break and not add each other to our respective lists and he breathed a sigh of relief and said something to the effect of "hell, yeah." In fact for the last three years we have bowed out of the whole gift giving hooplah with our families. I think our families appreciate taking two people off their lists. Or so I hope. I really can't see anyone saying, "BUT, I NEED TO BUY MORE GIFTS!"
What is sad is that for the first time I find myself not finding joy in things I used to really enjoy about Christmas. In the past I loved the whole tree thing (even without the prettily wrapped presents underneath), I loved the ornaments, the decorations, the cheesey holiday music, I really dug the Christmas vibe, minus the commercialism. I have no idea what happened, I have no tree this year, I haven't even played Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin (my Christmas music).
I will take the day off to enjoy my family. But I didn't need Christmas for that.
Maybe there is hope for me yet. I do love holiday cards. I am a huge fan. I love seeing all your kids mugging for the camera, your cats and dogs wearing ridiculous sweaters, and for those who write a personal message, you seriously make my day. I shit you not, I drive home looking forward to checking the mail in December in hopes of finding one of these gems. So there. The idea of Christmas is not totally lost on me. Turning 30 just seemed to make me forget where I put the holiday spirit, old age I guess...
Okay, besides cards, I do enjoy a good reindeer sweater and a sincere hug.
J
Is it me or has the "spirit" of Christmas vaporized? Maybe I am too old for Christmas.
Maybe I am Scrooging early in life because I don't ever honestly remember believing in Santa Claus, so I am like the equivalent of a 80 year old bachelor.
Here is my disclaimer. Neither, myself or husband have kids, together or otherwise, so I can imagine that those with children probably have a whole different take on the season, at least it appears that way on Facebook. Now don't get me wrong, I think if I had a kid, I would not be writing this blog entry as you are about to read it. It would probably read something like, "Oh Santa! I believe! something, something, something, Christmas Rocks!"
I think Christmas started becoming a chore once my Christmas shopping list started onto a second column and my paycheck just laughed. Never mind the financial dent Christmas makes but then there is the time spent trying to find the perfect gift. Then, after all of the stress of finding a suitable gift, it sometimes ends in the awkward moment when you realized you didn't quite find it.
I love to give, I really do but its not like the people on my list were people who were in need or would be getting just my gift for Christmas. I was just one of many people who would be contributing to their Christmas loot. The big gift exchange also started becoming less interesting and more like:
Q: "What do you want?
A: "Oh nothing...or a new skillet, and here is the store and product number."
To which I replied, "Cool." Because this made my life easier.
Why was I even wrapping it? What fun is that?
Tony and I don't exchange gifts, and haven't for the last eight Christmas' we've shared. I found my Christmas soul mate when I suggested for the first time that we give ourselves a Christmas break and not add each other to our respective lists and he breathed a sigh of relief and said something to the effect of "hell, yeah." In fact for the last three years we have bowed out of the whole gift giving hooplah with our families. I think our families appreciate taking two people off their lists. Or so I hope. I really can't see anyone saying, "BUT, I NEED TO BUY MORE GIFTS!"
What is sad is that for the first time I find myself not finding joy in things I used to really enjoy about Christmas. In the past I loved the whole tree thing (even without the prettily wrapped presents underneath), I loved the ornaments, the decorations, the cheesey holiday music, I really dug the Christmas vibe, minus the commercialism. I have no idea what happened, I have no tree this year, I haven't even played Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin (my Christmas music).
I will take the day off to enjoy my family. But I didn't need Christmas for that.
Maybe there is hope for me yet. I do love holiday cards. I am a huge fan. I love seeing all your kids mugging for the camera, your cats and dogs wearing ridiculous sweaters, and for those who write a personal message, you seriously make my day. I shit you not, I drive home looking forward to checking the mail in December in hopes of finding one of these gems. So there. The idea of Christmas is not totally lost on me. Turning 30 just seemed to make me forget where I put the holiday spirit, old age I guess...
Okay, besides cards, I do enjoy a good reindeer sweater and a sincere hug.
J
Friday, December 11, 2009
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Wrinkles and moles. Adult acne? Signs of aging. I know I look young for my age, mainly from the gasps of surprise (or horror) when I tell a person my age. Some reactions are hilarious.
It is not funny when I push my face up to a mirror and scour over every millimeter of my face to assess the changes, aka “damage.” Although I do not have too many wrinkles, I am noticing the faint line indentations around my mouth from smiling and laughing, which I guess is a good thing. A sign of happiness!
Little moles or sun spots are appearing. Its probably from me loving to be out in the sun, especially in SoCal. Can’t help it! The weather is PERFECT and the beaches are amazing.
Zits. I have no clue why the hell I am getting so many zits. My face never used to erupt like this. It may be due to some stress, but the reason is most likely that my hormones are in changing. I swear they come like clockwork right before my monthly “call for duty.” As if that is not bad enough.
So… A friend of mine gave me some samples of Retin-A, which I keep hearing good things about from other women. She warned me that it will really dry my face out. Did I listen? Not really. I smeared the stuff around my eyes, on my little moles, and a zit. Now, my face is super dry, peeling, and some more little zits have sprouted. I made it worse. When I later spoke to my friend about it, she confessed that Retin-A makes your skin worse before making it better, because it draws all the impurities up. Wonderful. What am I doing? Women of my ethnicity have never used Retin-A, and look at them. That Filipino girl you think is 19 years old, she’s really 45. I should just stick to what I know: soap, water, and a light face lotion.
Learning how to age gracefully… hit and miss (mess?) situations that keep me grounded.
K
It is not funny when I push my face up to a mirror and scour over every millimeter of my face to assess the changes, aka “damage.” Although I do not have too many wrinkles, I am noticing the faint line indentations around my mouth from smiling and laughing, which I guess is a good thing. A sign of happiness!
Little moles or sun spots are appearing. Its probably from me loving to be out in the sun, especially in SoCal. Can’t help it! The weather is PERFECT and the beaches are amazing.
Zits. I have no clue why the hell I am getting so many zits. My face never used to erupt like this. It may be due to some stress, but the reason is most likely that my hormones are in changing. I swear they come like clockwork right before my monthly “call for duty.” As if that is not bad enough.
So… A friend of mine gave me some samples of Retin-A, which I keep hearing good things about from other women. She warned me that it will really dry my face out. Did I listen? Not really. I smeared the stuff around my eyes, on my little moles, and a zit. Now, my face is super dry, peeling, and some more little zits have sprouted. I made it worse. When I later spoke to my friend about it, she confessed that Retin-A makes your skin worse before making it better, because it draws all the impurities up. Wonderful. What am I doing? Women of my ethnicity have never used Retin-A, and look at them. That Filipino girl you think is 19 years old, she’s really 45. I should just stick to what I know: soap, water, and a light face lotion.
Learning how to age gracefully… hit and miss (mess?) situations that keep me grounded.
K
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